Adventures at the Cove Restaurant

Jeffrey Zia
January 31, 2001

This looks like the worst of the 50's-80's all roll into one. Circular tinted windows, greasy plastic seats, fake and real vines hanging from planters... and a jukebox. Sort of a Norman-Rockwell- gone-bad type of look permeates this place -- that is, if you can picture one of his conservatively dressed old-timers chowing down onion and livers. This restaurant originally attracted my attention due to the unusual amount of trucks and large, unwieldy American autos that congregate in the parking lot. As any McDonald's manager can tell you, always a sign of quality and class.

My suspicions are correct: I was the youngest person there, restaurant staff and all. It's all old folks eating away at their pension and destroying the rest of their arteries at the same time. A victory on all fronts for the Social Security bureau.

Fiasco Factor: I already commented on the dcor. The waitress at my table is this 40+ year old that wears something like 15+ rings and necklaces, has swirly nail polish, and worst of all, encased herself in a too-tight skirt. The threads in the fabric on the menu are running, but no one bothers to cut the loose string off. I was sorely tempted to grab a menu by the loose stings and swing it around as a bola. Too run-down and inconsistent - 5.0/10

Atmosphere: No music, but there is a large TV, playing some old 70's cops-n'-robbers movie--with no sound. The place is deathly quiet, but if one of the old timers keel over, at least someone will notice. Old folks eating in silence is a little creepy. I really am not sure what kind of atmosphere they trying for, but the tinted windows and fake leather seats indicate that obscure American architectural school known to grace rundown truck stops. - 4.0/10

Overall: Worse food at more than Beefmaster's price (see last week's review). Don't you just love it when the food you ordered comes riding on a cushion of grease? If they could put more "garnish" on the plate I bet I could reenact Noah's Flood with the materials at hand. 5.0/10.0

Final verdict: 5/10, this is the bare median of my standards. Hope I don't come across one that would rate lower on the Olympic scale.... that would be seriously detrimental to my health. As additional testament to the "quality" of this place, one of my friends who happen to live in the town of Billerica was shocked and shamed at the same time that someone he knew would actually eat there.

The folks at Cove Restaurant got no mottoes, but they also use store-bought bread. Geez, folks have no originality nowadays...

The Lowbrow Gourmet, lamenting the decline of civilization.