The Lowbrow Gourmet

Jeffrey Zia
January 24, 2001

Now, considering this is the first edition, I would like to establish the fairness (or the bias) of this column. The New York Times rates by stars, Roger Ebert uses the thumb system. My first idea of a ratings system involved ups and downs as well, much like the thumb system, and I figured, what better choice for food review than using a mouth? After further consideration though, I think the mouth up and mouth down system is best reserved for the nation's favorite intern, Miss Lewinsky. Without other options, I am definitely in favor of the o-so-original idea of rating out of 10.

A perfect 10 means an excellent value for your hard earned dollars. A 10 meal gives you more bang for the buck, more bounce for the ounce, more of what you want and what is filling at the same time. A sorry 1 means that the food is really unfit for human consumption, and is without dispute the worst of the worst, much like "the Beast" is among cheap beers.

So, without further ado:

The Town of Billerica proudly presents Beefmaster!

I kid you not, that's the name of the place, but, with a name like that, I sure was relieved when I entered and found that I was not in a gay bar.

Atmosphere - It's got a cheesy seaside decor, with wooden panels, handrails, and little boat models and what not. Since it's got the decor, they sell the oh-so-classy seafood fare of fried clams and some such.

I would not have minded this in a seaside town, but Billerica is landlocked, and you don't have to make the place look like "Gilligan's Island" to sell seafood. Makes a pretense at being presentable, but it backfires against them, and adds to the overall cheapness 6.0/10.00

Food: The food is not spectacular, but it is cheap and plentiful. 6.0/10.00

Fiasco factor- Takes 15+ minutes to take care of 6 customers. Take out, eat in, it's all on paper platters and disposable utensils. As a family business, looks like they have conscripted the help of their high school lacrosse-playing son and well-tattooed Uncle Bob at the grill as well. Could it possibly fit into the family-run-diner stereotype any better? ---6.0/10.0

Overall - 6.00/10.00 (I only ate here because the first pick, "BellyBusters", looks like it has gone Bust and the business is now Belly-up). Above average, but not spectacular.

I think the ten-point Olympic system seems to work well. Additionally, since everyone who works at "Beefmaster's" has an accent, this will be a good international standard to go by.

Speaking of this past year's Olympics, it was really boring. Now if they had added an un-scripted, one-fall, hardcore wrestling match for the gold medal, that would be fun to watch. What a way to make the rivalry for international prestige aggressive and personal! But I figure that will just lend itself to lawsuits when a competitor from some communist country drops the "People's Elbow"-- I mean, swimming looks the same, as it always is... they could at least put someone in to do the commentary who knows how challenging swimming can be, like Elian Gonzalez or Ted Kennedy.

Next week: Shing Garden (Chinese fast food) or Cove Restaurant, whichever one looks more entertaining to rate.

"We are committed to quality, not rhythm or rhyme". - The "Beefmasters" Motto