Confessions of a Jewish Singles Event Masochist

David Berkowitz
June 10, 2002

The scene: Singles event for Jews in their 20s and 30s, Lulu's, 10th ave and 38th St

I walk into the bar and give my name. The organizer says I was interviewed by her sister. Yes, this girl's sister was the one who interviewed me about guys who share the same name as David Berkowitz, the serial killer. The writer is shopping around the story to some papers now.

I enter. Not too many people. I'm instantly uncomfortable. I grab a Corona, half-price until 7. I scope out the crowd. I make a few rounds of the bar. In the odd instance I try to make conversation with a female, I become utterly uninteresting.

After a couple of such attempts, I notice the poster behind the bar: How to Aid a Choking Victim. I instantly relate to the silhouette with a fish carcass in his stomach. I buy another Corona a few minutes before 7.

I bide my time as the room fills up. I consider leaving shortly. Maybe catching a movie. Maybe going home to write. But my story was just about to begin.

I empty my Corona and head to the corner of the bar nearest the exit with one of two intentions: either talk to the two 20-something girls sitting by that corner, or leave. I start talking to Yelena, the 5'7" Upper East Sider who works at a hospital children's ward and Jill, the petite teacher from Gramercy Park.

Jill suggests getting another drink. I like the idea. Yelena's not having one, but I offer to buy one for Jill. So I head to the bar. Yet Jill, flattered as she was, wanted the two of us to switch places. I realize quickly that Jill is trying to set me up with Yelena.

I like Jill.

I return with the drinks. Jill starts telling me how smart Yelena is. Yelena makes some self-deprecating comment which I jokingly agree with. So then Jill whispers to me what to say to Yelena, a la Steve Martin's Roxeanne (or for the more culturally astute, Cyrano de Bergerac). So Jill tells me, I tell Yelena.

Jill: You're the smartest girl I've ever met.

Me: You're the smartest girl I've ever met.

Jill: You're the prettiest girl I've ever met.

Me: You're the easi - I mean, I prettiest - girl I've ever met.

They laugh.

Jill: Try again. You're the prettiest girl...

Me: Menage a trois?

Yelena isn't sure whether Jill suggested that or I made it up. And this in turn confirms my hunch. Jill's the one I want.

Jill (again, a la Cyrano): Want to come home with me?

Me: Can I take you to my parents' house so they can meet you?

Again, they're startled. But it was the only way for me to get out of making any sort of real move on Yelena. And for the time being, it worked.

We chat some more. Jill mentions a tutoring program at her high school, which is located by my office. I express interest in taking part in it. Jill makes a trip to the bathroom to leave Yelena and me alone. Mercifully, Jill comes back.

Awhile later, we decide to check out the scene upstairs. Lots more room. Some drunk, fat women are dancing. Some bald guys pushing 40 are making moves on some drunk, fat, dancing women.

Jill makes another trip to the bathroom. And again, she returns. Only to go to the bar to get herself and Yelena drinks - I was enjoying the conversation too much to pay attention to my Corona. Conversation between Yelena and me is friendly, but nothing that makes me change my mind.

So it's back to the three of us. Jill mentions she wakes up at 5am. I note Family Ties is on at that hour on Nick at Nite. We talk about the show. Jill says she never had a crush on Michael J. Fox. I say I didn't either. Jill asks, "Justine Bateman?" I say, "No, Andy." They get scared. And to make matters worse, they both work with children.

Yet they keep talking.

And Jill now tries to back out, physically, "giving everyone some room," as she said. But I know what she's doing. So I move closer to Jill. Jill covers her mouth so Yelena can't see and tells me, "Make your freakin' move!"

I can't. I relay the thought verbatim to Jill.

She looks at me, puzzled. I signal we've got to talk, a few steps further away from Yelena. Jill complies.

She asks what's wrong.

I whisper in her ear, "I'm not usually so bloody honest, but I'm interested in YOU."

She's floored. Speechless. And I really did use the word "bloody." I have no idea why.

We look at each other. She judged it all wrong. Her drink isn't strong enough for her, but mine's empty, so I grab another. By the time I come back, Yelena has made her way to the bathroom. I don't have much time.

Jill: I'm not usually that wrong in judging.

Me: I'm not usually that honest when I first meet someone.

Jill: So now Yelena thinks you're interested in her.

Me: I was trying to play it neutral. But you kept trying to set us up. I've got to say though, I've never met anyone so helpful.

Jill (laughing hard now): Thanks. That's something. But now you've got to go cause I need to find someone for Yelena.

Shot clock running down. Find the open man. Behind the back pass - 5... 4...

Me: I really do want to do that tutoring thing.

At the buzzer...

Jill: Excalibur high school. Ask for Jill. I'm the only teacher there by that name.

BZZZZZZ.

Yelena comes back. We say our goodbyes. They head downstairs. I give them a head start, then make my way down, grab my bag and leave, waving goodbye to Jill and Yelena as they congregate by the doorway. Embarking off into the rain with the $3 umbrella I bought on the way there, I make a mental note of Jill's high school, and I say my final goodbye -

To the choking victim.